A few weeks ago, on my Twitter you may have seen Susan my new blow up mate. I bought her from Blackpool and she made the 1 hour journey back home with me and my friend Ash. She was waving at every car going past, she loved the journey, and now has settled into her new home (my bedroom). Blackpool is a marvellous place; I’ve never been to Benidorm, or Vegas but I’m sure it’s a cheaper, shitty version of them.
Living in Manchester, Blackpool is where you’d drive to go to the beach after you’d just passed your test and the pleasure beach is where you’d go as a kid (if Alton Towers didn’t have the 2-4-1 offer. It’s the northern Vegas; glitzy, tacky and most of all full of blow up dolls and cock rock.
My friend Ash on the other hand grew up in Birmingham and has only been to Blackpool once when she was very young, so we thought on the bank holiday we’d go for the day so she understood my hate to love relationship with that little Lancashire town.
We set off from Manchester and I needed to pre warn her all the stuff she is going to see, you have to accept the tack and just go for it. So we did.
We arrived and drove all up the prom, laughing at every shop and pub name. There was a bar called shenanigans, ‘good girls go to heaven the others come to shenanigans’ was the slogan. If that wasn’t enough they also had a sign saying ‘cool music, warm beer and hot barmaids’. 70 year old Sheila was pulling pints at the bar, and I’ve never met anyone that wants a warm beer!
We passed Pat’s 10p bingo, Scotties got it and an adult rock shop. We knew where we were heading – straight to the adult rock shop. We parked up and walked over. First thing we bought from the rock shop was ‘5 little willies’. Maturity at its finest, I then bought my friend a present which was a rock that had ‘big boy’ wrote all through the middle. Honestly, I am 24 and not 13 but I was crying laughing in the shop buying these and mortified when a mother and son were behind me in the que and could see what the shop keeper was putting in my bag.
We continued walking, rock cock in hand and got a chip balm. Proper northern. We sat in the wind next to the beach and ate it as fast as we could before the seagulls swooned in!
The adult rock shop was near Coral Island, I bloody love Coral Island it’s hilarious and honestly I could spend all day and all my money in there. 2p machines, Arabian derby, and the tickets you collect for the whole day and end up winning a pencil. Ash and I decided to give our tickets to a child, our good deed for the day, and honestly a shitty tatty pencil and a transferable tattoo wasn’t the kind of tat we wanted to go home with. We were thinking of bigger and better things.
After Coral Island we walked up to Pat’s 10p bingo, and popped our head in a few shops whilst we were there. There’s some great sights in Blackpool, the shit they sell is stuff you’ve not seen since 2006. Denim hats with glitzy embroidered SEXY on the front, fake Gucci t-shirts £10 bargain! I’m going to be wearing those on my next date I’ll tell you they will get anyone to fall in love with you.
We passed the horse and carriages and all the fortune tellers, the Blackpool tower, Pleasure beach, mini golf, the mirror maze there’s loads to do honestly! Finally we decided after 5 hours we best go, we got a farewell fresh donut and headed to the car.
On the way to the car, which I should add was parked in the car park of Blackpool’s catholic club, we passed Dragon’s Den a big fancy dress shop. We went inside and asked the owner for the ‘naughty section’ he took us round to the very back of the store and it all seemed super sketchy. Around the back there was everything; garters, strap-on’s, whips, handcuffs me and Ash were crying laughing. We soon settled on Susan, our blow up friend. We were going to get her a boyfriend too, but at £10 each one was enough to fulfil the laughs.
We got to the car, and Ash started blowing up Susan, we forget where we were parked and at 510CM Susan wasn’t easy to hide. On the motorway home Susan was waving and flashing her boobs at every passer-by, some drivers honestly fucking hated her, and others (like the minivan full of 70 year old men) enjoyed the laugh.
We got home and Susan settled in nicely to my room, one day, in a few months when I’ve got the need to have a huge laugh again I’ll head to Blackpool and I’ll buy Susan a fella, but until then she’s the security guard whilst I’m at work.
Love you and leave you,