Contraception, and the joys it brings.

Fuck me, this is a biggie isn’t it gals. Who likes talking about contraception? The weight gain, the mood swings and possibly the fear of getting pregnant because for the past 2 days you’ve been in a pit of self-destruction you’ve forgot to take your pill.

I’ve tried loads of different types, but not everything because the idea of a nurse putting her hands in my vagina to fit the coil scares the shit out of me so I haven’t had that.

But I’ve been on the pill, loads of them, loads of different long names, thousands of different side effects. I’ve also had the implant (twice) and honestly, the lot of them were shit. I hate contraception, I mean I love the fact it stops me having a baby, because honestly I’m shocked I can look after myself as well as I do never mind a child. But, contraception hates my body and my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning, I’m catholic, we’ve established this before. My mum never put me on contraception even when my periods were so painful in high school I had a week off every month. Eventually, I decided to go to the clinic with my best friend and get on the pill together, what a great day out. We had no idea which one would be best for us and just accepted what the nurse said. That pill was fucking awful, I had the worst headaches and as well as my teenage mood swings I was also fucking crazy from this little pill I was popping at 11am every day.

I gave that up, spent a couple of years popping all different pills and finally deciding on the implant. It took me a while to commit to this, I thought my mum would see it in my arm and I was petrified. It’s funny because my mum wouldn’t have even cared now I look back, but sex and a religious family do not mix and there was no way I’d tell my mum I’ve got the implant because our Jan isn’t stupid and she’d just know. I was 18.

I bled for 3 fucking months on that fucking thing, 3 months can you imagine? I went to Australia and for the whole trip I was there I was on and off bleeding, it was fucking uncontrollable, shockingly I broke up with the guy I was in Australia with on the plane back from Perth. It may/ or may not have had something to do with the fact I was a FUCKING nightmare the past 3 months of our relationship. That implant was sending loopy juice through my arm, because every time someone said something remotely annoying I’d flip. As soon as I landed in England, now boyfriend-less I marched to the clinic and got it took out. Thank the fucking Lord.

Back to the pill it was; this time I was older, wiser and hopefully a little bit more bothered about what was going into my body I decided to research all the different pills and ask the nurse for the one I thought would be best for me. She gave it me, obviously but did that mean it worked? Did it fucking bollocks. I mean I didn’t get pregnant but again I was fucking nuts. I stuck with it though, just because I thought that’s what everyone else was feeling like.

Here she is again, I’m sure the nurses hate me because back I was again, I got the implant. Again. The nurse assured me that it might work this time, she was wrong. I bled again, and again, and a month later it was out.

Like before I went back on the pill, but by this point I was so so drained from all these different things I was polluting my body with that I’d miss taking it pretty much every day. It got to the point where I hadn’t took it for 2 weeks and I just thought fuck it.

Now, I’m 24, and finally I have found contraception that works for me. NO SEX.

I hate the pill, I hate the implant why can’t us girls just have the option of a nice coconut body butter that magically makes you safe from STI’s and pregnancy. Until that day, I’ve accepted my fate. Contraception is not for me.

Love you and leave you,

Lizi XX


  1. Omg I love this post!! Reasons like this is actually why I choose to stay away from that kind of contraception because I can’t be dealing with the thought of the hormones messing me around! I also laughed at your solution for all this at the end hahah! (P.s. jeez bleeding for 3 months sounds awful)

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